2007年11月23日 星期五
I have dreamed about having my own bedroom and I also wanted to decorate it. Today I spent 4 to 5 hours arranging my bedroom. Because my room was so small that it just could contain two people. As a result, I put away my desk and closet in order to make it larger. Furthermore, the winter was coming, so I had it floored to become warmer. I finished all the work by myself, especially moving the closet and desk. To be honest, the furniture was so haevy that I almost got hurt. However, when I completed, I was exhausted but satisfied. After that, I felt happy when I saw my new room and I loved staying at home much more.
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Your writing is clear for me :)
"Because my room was so small that it just could contain two people." Why have you written this when I've been criticizing everyone else who writes this kind of dependent clause as a separate sentence? I will have to assume that you don't bother to read what I write, that you follow a policy of ignoring what your teachers tell you not to do, or that you cannot understand English well enough to follow explicit directions and instruction.
The next essay -- by anyone in this class, not just you -- that contains this error will earn a grade of zero.
I have no idea where this dependent clause belongs. It doesn't make sense if it's attached to the immediately preceding sentence, and it doesn't make sense if it's attached to the immediately succeeding sentence, which contains a phrase semantically redundant to "because": "as a result". In addition, the "because" clause is in the past tense when it should be in the present. No matter what you did to your room, you did not make it larger or smaller unless you rebuilt it. You merely rearranged things so that there was more or less empty space in the room.
"I put away my desk and closet" means what? Where is your bedroom? Is it in your parents' house? Is it in a rented apartment that you share with someone else here in Tainan? This is unclear and detracts from the reader's ability to understand what you are saying. I can understand putting your clothing away in drawers, but I don't understand what you mean by putting your desk and closet away. Where did you put them?
What does it mean to have your bedroom "floored"? It sounds as if your bedroom had a dirt or perhaps a concrete floor until very today. Perhaps you mean that you put down carpeting or a wooden floor with a heating element in it?
How can you say "I loved staying at home much more" when you wrote this paragraph on the same day as you rearranged your room? You haven't actually stayed at home in your new room yet. The only way to use the past tense in that sentence is to say "I loved the idea of staying at home much more".
Doreen may think that your writing is clear -- that is evidence that she hasn't thought about what it says and does not say and how it says it (i.e., uncritical reading, the failing that plagues all writers) -- but I find it confusing, contradictory, and unacceptable.
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